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guilty boners actor au
[ ivan shouldn't be excited that till asked him to stop by his dressing room after today's shoot. he should be ashamed– he's failed to separate character from actor and now his feelings for till exist outside of his character. ivan feels his heart race whenever till compliments him, when he offers to practice with him— even just seeing till gets ivan excited, getting one of those small, sleepy little smiles...
ivan likes him. he likes till... a lot. he has to be professional, and will be. he just needs to stop associating being alone with till to be an... intimate thing. it's not! till is just helping him; it's guidance from a senior actor, and till is so cool and so kind to help him.
he tells himself this, yet he constantly ends up with his hand around himself at the end of the night, thinking about the scene they recorded and how it might have felt if till's character would have been written to be into it, instead.
standing outside of till's dressing room, ivan lets his curled fist hang in midair. he's fantasizing again. oh, no. he's gotta focus up before knocking... pull it together, ivan! raising his hands, he slaps both open palms against the sides of his face, but this only makes the already apparent blush on his cheeks even more so and really does... absolutely nothing to help him focus.
fixing his face with a smile— he is genuinely happy, after all— ivan, polite (this is his senior, after all), raps his knuckles against till's door. ]
Till-sunbae? You wanted to see me after the shoot was over?
[ maybe till has tips for him...? the photogs seemed happy with him, but maybe there's something only a seasoned actor can pick up on. ]
ivan likes him. he likes till... a lot. he has to be professional, and will be. he just needs to stop associating being alone with till to be an... intimate thing. it's not! till is just helping him; it's guidance from a senior actor, and till is so cool and so kind to help him.
he tells himself this, yet he constantly ends up with his hand around himself at the end of the night, thinking about the scene they recorded and how it might have felt if till's character would have been written to be into it, instead.
standing outside of till's dressing room, ivan lets his curled fist hang in midair. he's fantasizing again. oh, no. he's gotta focus up before knocking... pull it together, ivan! raising his hands, he slaps both open palms against the sides of his face, but this only makes the already apparent blush on his cheeks even more so and really does... absolutely nothing to help him focus.
fixing his face with a smile— he is genuinely happy, after all— ivan, polite (this is his senior, after all), raps his knuckles against till's door. ]
Till-sunbae? You wanted to see me after the shoot was over?
[ maybe till has tips for him...? the photogs seemed happy with him, but maybe there's something only a seasoned actor can pick up on. ]
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he's deliberately decided to cross a line. and it's the point of no return. if things go badly, he could get in trouble—and even besides his own greedy, selfish desires, Till just doesn't want to traumatize a new, promising actor. there's a lot of sick fucks in this industry, and Till could be one to warn Ivan who to avoid, especially if he continues to do any more BL content. which isn't something Till does strictly, but Alien Stage definitely isn't his first, and it won't be his last.
that said, he's kissed a lot of dudes while in varying characters. there had been times where in his younger career where he'd embarrassed himself getting a little hard during a particularly passionate love scene—but that was shirtless, chest-to-chest, hair-mussing and lips pulled in teeth. nothing graphic, but definitely saucy—especially for the time. it's thankfully an obscure film, or else Till may have tanked his own career. it was a risk. and thankfully, his costar was cool with it—and Till worked hard to make sure that never happened again. even if it was in character to act aroused, he'd steadily learned how to keep himself completely frigid internally—
and fucked the shit out of strangers to resolve that tension. then he got more successful, busier, more tired... and hooking up just became another chore. he blames himself distinctly for this—not having that outlet has him in a similar position he was as a young, new actor—similar to Ivan's age!! and it's towards Ivan!
the responsible thing to do would be to just fuck a couple guys, but... Ivan's cute. he actually knows him. the power dynamic is fucked, but if Till can decompartmentalize so well in general, surely he could handle this?? if anything, it might be beneficial for him to get some of this out of his system before it bleeds out elsewhere.
no, he still knows he's wrong. fuck.
Till jumps when he hears the knock, and he sighs, dropping his head as his heart regulates. okay.]
Yeah, [he answers. he opens the door a crack, peering up at Ivan who—is flushed, bright eyed and eager. great. definitely no backing down now. with a heavy, excited heart, Till steps back, opening the door all the way to gesture Ivan inside.] Thanks for coming by on short notice...
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It's no trouble at all, hyung! I'll always make time for you. I was excited you asked me— [ oh no crap wait no. he wasn't supposed to say that part. ] A-Ahh, that is, excited for whatever tips you have for me today!
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[cute...
Till blinks mildly, gesturing again for Ivan to come inside, expression stoic. Ivan got so excited he forgot to actually move, stumbling too much over his manners and excitement both.
everyone's intimidated by Till, in varying degrees. so he assumes that's why Ivan doesn't act this way around his peers—they're closer in age, experience...]
Well, I don't really have tips today, exactly... Come in.
LMAOOO i accidentally made my boy look extra goofy
No? Uhh— right. Okay. [ ivan does a tiny, polite little bow and steps inside of till's dressing room, looking around to busy himself and try to distract from his nerves— it's pretty minimalistic, but... it's something to look at, to focus on. ivan's smile is a little less sure now, but he tries to keep his cool. ]
he did that all by himself
Everything's fine.
[well. untrue. but Ivan can't possibly imagine what isn't fine; he's just confident whatever's got Ivan nervous is irrelevant versus what he should be nervous about...]
...Actually, its not really about work. Well, maybe kind of related, but...
[damn. how the fuck do you broach this topic. Till's just gone on apps cruising for dick...even if he's had like amicable dates and stuff during that, the ice was already broken because they both knew what they were there to do.
Till stares blankly at one of his script books he'd been holding during his tidying, then lifts his head to stare over at Ivan.]
Ivan. [he may as well just. be direct. right? there's no way it won't be awkward, but.] Um. Can I ask you something personal?
[this is so fucking unprofessional. especially AT work. god. he is ten fucking years older than this kid.]
his spirit posessed my body
has till realized...? crap. crap! maybe till realizes that ivan's feelings aren't just the ones he shows through this character he plays; not some kind of (bad) method acting. is he sweating? oh, no. ivan smiles regardless, but it's a little lopsided. ]
You can ask me anything, sunbae.
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[Till lowers the script fully, bluntly indeed just cutting to it.]
Do you like men?
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ivan is silent during his internal panic, during which, he goes from a mild little blush to completely red-faced. ]
...I—... [ in one swift motion, ivan bows, almost comedically low. ] Till-sunbae, I am so sorry— I know I need to separate character and actor, but—... I couldn't help—... [ ugh this is so miserable. ]
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—Wait.
[why is Ivan apologizing?
emotionally intelligent as he is, and witty besides, his eyes go wide, then he puts his face over his hand as he looks away. Till processes, his heart thudding heavily in his chest.
before he realizes—oh. poor Ivan. Till's just leaving him hanging.
he approaches Ivan, his smile relaxed—relieved, even, maybe. reassuringly places a hand on his shoulder.]
Ivan.
[ok. it's hard not to be a little evil... Till's no spring chicken; he's excited, but you aren't gonna catch him getting giddy or cracking face.]
Stand up straight. This kind of thing happens, [even among male costars. he's sure. he's just never heard of it and he hasn't been wrapped up in it before, but he's also sure gay actors are just...better at keeping it on the downlow.] and you've been professional.
There's just one thing, though...
imagining till laughing behind his hand like luka
ivan slinks back to standing up straight, shoulders sagging, eyes downcast.
ah. wait. if he isn't upset, then, what's the "one thing"? he lifts his gaze to meet till's, lips still bent into a shamed sort of pout, brows furrowed. ]
"One thing?"
on the inside [1/2]
[Till's hand raises to brush its palm across Ivan's cheek, which feels—kind of...abnormal. he's not usually very affectionate, but it's not like the gesture is totally foreign to him. it just is from himself, specifically.
but anyway shit this makes things easier. not any less—wrong. but it's not like. the worst. is Till a creep for this? yes. is he too old for this? see question one. but there's worse out there, and Till, for all intents and purposes, hasn't a bad bone in his body.
Till leans up on his toes, the hand on Ivan's neck instead circling to embrace the back of Ivan's neck where it meets his skull, guiding him as Till's lips meet Ivan's. his eyes close, his other hand resting its fingertips against Ivan's chest.
Till's kiss is warm and surprisingly sensuous, and despite his desire, it lacks no juvenile carnality. almost makes up for how chapped his lips are. but if Ivan's into him, that's on him.]
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I was actually going to admit that I'm attracted to you.
[so, yes, Ivan—you outed yourself for no reason.]
So...I guess we're both messing up.
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he fails to kiss back with how stunned he is— till? his hyung? likes¿ him??¿?¿
till pulls away and ivan snaps out of his stupor. on instinct, he tries to reach out for till, as if worried he'd go too far away. till is... blushing. he's so— so cute. so handsome. has ivan ever seen him blush like this before, out of character? ivan is sure he's red, too, but seeing till blush feels so novel. almost like a privilege.
he's so spun up in this that, for the moment, ivan isn't thinking about what a fool he made of himself.
ivan wants to touch till, too, so he does, a little tentative and unsure, resting at the arm till has slack at his side, at his bicep. ivan leans in, almost nose to nose with till, eyebrows drawn back, an expression on ivan's face that speaks to how he's holding himself back.
he's only ever had a few girlfriends, and he's never gotten very far, but kissing? he's done that. he was too stunned when till kissed him— he needs to feel it again. ]
Sunbae... I like you so much.
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[this is bad.]
Some taste you got...
[was Till maybe hoping that Ivan would reject him and then Till could just lean into an appropriate justification to impose distance? knowing he wouldn't be able to otherwise?
and of course Ivan is so sweet about it, the way he practically nuzzles in like that.
"like" is...
well. Till had just intended to air his attraction. he hopes he isn't stringing Ivan along, but he isn't positive he doesn't...not like Ivan. already, he's overthinking this. already, it's a bad idea. already, it's out of the way.
Till tilts his head again, eyes closing as he brushes his fingers across Ivan's cheek again, beckoning him in to another kiss.
Ivan had kissed him so many fucking times, and towards the end is when Till felt frustrated he couldn't just initiate the kiss himself. demonstrate. and then he felt frustrated he couldn't just meet the passion, especially when Ivan's take finally got there. by then, Till was already getting off helplessly and deplorably to the whole idea of showing Ivan the ropes. it made him feel guilty in Ivan's admiration for him.
but either way, he finally gets to kiss Ivan. and it feels good. his head tilts, jaw dropping subtly in his next couple of kisses, a bit looser, and he strokes his tongue into Ivan's mouth.]
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It's good. [ ivan swallows; thick. ] —...my taste. It's good. [ why is he clarifying? if till thinks he means kissing him, that's also true. ivan backpedals. ] Kissing you is so good...
[ ivan dips back down after, hand at the back of till's neck, making sure he's the one to initiate the deepening of the kiss this time, maybe a little too heated and excited. here's hoping he doesn't nick him with his tooth again... ]
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the way that Ivan's kiss is eager is familiar, but it certainly has more heat than his character's kiss, given that passion was the point, sure, but in a different context. and it's warm, too. they aren't being doused in chilly faux-rain. this time, he gets to taste and feel the velvet of Ivan's tongue. and damn, it's been a while since he's had a tongue kiss—even on screen. it feels nice.
but Till is happy to accept his eagerness. again, it's somewhat nostalgic to him; he remembered how it felt when he was Ivan's age, even as he'd been gaining experience. which should repulse him, but you know—his hormones are doing their thing, and instead, he finds himself cozy in this role, sighing into their kiss at the idea of showing Ivan many things.
it's not that way he's supposed to be a mentor, but he can multi-task, right?]
M'glad, [he mumbles, a smile likely felt against Ivan's lips. he goes ahead and drops his script so he can have free use of both of his hands. he goes back to holding the joint of Ivan's neck and head, and his other hand softly weaves through Ivan's hair.]
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ivan gets a little more bold, his hands at till's hips, now, the fingertips of one resting just above the curve of his ass. pulling till close to him is something he’s done a thousand times, for countless takes, but when he does it this time, now that till's hands are free, it’s purely as himself.
it's nice— nice is too little of a word, but it's almost impossible to make sense of his thoughts right now. ivan wants to immerse himself in this as much as he can; he's allowed to kiss till, and to kiss till the way he wants. ]
...sunbae...
[ leave it to ivan to keep even shoving his tongue into till's mouth, respectful. he slides a heavy palm up to the small of till's back, splaying his fingers there. warm.
after getting till's attention, ivan kisses him again, short and sweet. he stays close. ]
...can I kiss your neck...?
[ it's a breathless, shy-sounding request, for multiple reasons— till has just admitted he's attracted to ivan (but they're already kissing with tongue...), they're public figures, so maybe if ivan promises no marks— but how can you say no to a hopeless puppy? ]
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the murmur of his social title between their kisses warms Till, a little taken aback by how affectionate he finds it. and that's certainly what he's taking from Ivan's kissing so far. while of course his sexuality is quite apparently welling through the cracks of the dam (has he been as frustrated as Till? the thought turns him on), it's undeniably affectionate. Ivan's hand is warm, sprawled soft but full against the small of his back. it inadvertently (?) makes Till move closer as Ivan's kisses get greedier.]
Mm...?
[to his question, Till takes a moment to arrive to processing it, a little dazed from their kissing—he blinks, then smiles a bit lopsidedly, clearly unbothered by the request.]
Yeah.
[and as if anticipating Ivan's thoughts, though with no intention, he follows up with a lilted] No marks, though...
[Till tilts his neck, peering through the corners of his eyes at Ivan curiously. he's probably overthinking it, but he wonders if Ivan's curiosity is attracted to Till's neck because it had always been covered in filming or shooting... or if it's because he'd had his hands around Till's throat so many times. or both. the choking scene they didn't have to reshoot as often as the kiss, since the kiss scene getting fucked up kept preventing them to get to the strangulation scene.
his fingers sift through Ivan's hair, stroking affectionately.]
It's a little bit of a shame... I really like that kind of thing.
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and then till smiles again, and that makes ivan blush more than the acceptance of his request does. ivan nods slowly, a little belatedly as till cranes his neck for him. ah. that's... really sexy. ]
I... really like your smiles. [ just to affirm he did hear till set that boundary, he adds, soft but resolute: ] No marks.
[ it's not as if till never smiles— it's just... different, when they're directed at ivan.
swallowing heavily and taking a breath just as heavy, ivan leans down and in, mouth hovering just above the junction of till's neck and shoulder. it's a little bit of a shame, though... i really like that kind of thing. ivan freezes, breath audibly caught in this throat. oh my god. oh my god!! his dick is in danger!!!
he pulls away minutely to look at till with a tortured expression, face flushed. his voice has a bit of a whine to it. ]
S—...Sunbae. Please don't say something like that if I can't do it...
THE CLOSEST THING I COULD GET TO AN IC ICON ...
he turns his head back towards Ivan with a soft laugh, stroking a thumb across Ivan's warm, blushing cheek.]
Sorry.
[he wants to say he can do it against his trap, instead...or his collarbone... but that'll have Till stripping in no time and they'll get caught probably doing worse than kissing. if there's something Till's learned about himself is that he has a line, and he's learned that when he crosses it, he can't stop.]
I shouldn't tease you like that. But it's not as though I won't like it anyway...
[he feels like he's in a wet dream or something. they only made out for a couple of minutes and now Till's doling out thinly veiled dirty talk and Ivan's wanting to kiss his skin. this is already kinda dangerous.]
DWDW I UNDERSTAND
furrowing his brows, ivan's full lips are set into a little pout. he can't really tell if till means he'd like it even if ivan disobeyed or he'd like it even if ivan can't leave a mark. the former makes ivan get hotter under the collar. that can't be what till means. is it? his sunbae is such a tease...
there's got to be some sort of middle ground for this, right? somewhere he can mark till that won't easily be seen...
making a frustrated, flustered sound under his breath, ivan lifts a hand to cup till's face, gently urging him to tilt his head to the side, then further still. ivan has had this done to him, by a girl, but never really felt the desire to do it back. maybe that's why that relationship ended (it ended because he's gay). but with till... with till, simply the thought of giving or receiving a hickey gets ivan worked up.
ivan does kiss till's neck, slow and sweet, but a shaky exhale against till's skin is the warning of a 20-something who is maybe a little too(?) excited. he leaves a short trail of kisses along till's neck, each one a little more hasty than the next. he stops at the side of till's face, a quiet and breathy sunbae murmured there as he nuzzles him. it might be a little reminiscent of one of their scenes for cure, but this is more desperate, like ivan is trying to reel himself in.
he goes for it, then, kissing and sucking gently at till's earlobe. it's brief, because his real goal is just below it. ivan lets out another unsteady breath as he kisses and nips at the skin, and when he kisses there again, it's less gentle— ivan seals his lips around the skin and sucks with the intent to bruise.
...this should be easier to hide than clear on till's neck, right...?
sunbae don't be mad he's just a lil guy ]
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especially when Ivan whispers his social title and nuzzles into him like that. it's...more intimate than he's used to, which is maybe a little fucked. not that he's uncomfortable by it, or taken off guard.
he shivers with a bit of surprise at the presence of his lips and tongue at his ear, and his mouth parts as his hand sinks lower, grasping a fistful of the fabric between Ivan's scapula. his head turns a bit to let Ivan closer with more ease, letting go of a heavy breath; Till still seems calm, but definitely so too like he's warming up.]
Ah...
[then his body jolts subtly as Ivan's kisses sink a bit lower, jaw dropping open soundlessly as the sensation moves through him, his nerves sort of blooming awake in a way they haven't in a long time. the force is just right, as is the plush of Ivan's mouth.
distantly, he thinks it's a bad spot—it'll still be visible... but truthfully, it's not like Till's never hid hickeys before. he moves one of his hands to comb some of his own strands of silvery hair out of the way, since Ivan's sort of near his hairline.
Till should definitely not be encouraging this. he's Ivan's senior! he should be a role model...
but he isn't. no one should work as much as he does, no one should treat his body as badly as he does, no one should smoke as much as he does—or drink as much as he does. people just look at the product: his acting, and all of that bad shit is forgiven.
Till doesn't want to add creep to the list of all that...
it's okay. he'll talk to Ivan about this. but first, he's just gonna let Ivan have what he wants, because Till wants it too. especially as he feels that familiar dig of a crooked, sharp tooth.]
Mm, that's nice...
i'm using this icon way too much but it just works so well
when ivan thinks it's been enough time, he releases the pressure on till's skin, kissing the blooming bruise before redirecting his attention back to till's lips. they're chapped, but now they sort of taste like ivan's lip balm. both the act and knowledge of putting that mark there and till reacting positively to it makes ivan's now hard dick throb needily. he kisses till a little more insistently, sliding his palm over his ass, tentative in his movement. is it okay to touch till like this...??
ah— oh no. wait. he has to stop—
again when ivan pulls away (thank god till has more patience with this character), he doesn't go very far. he can feel till's breath on his skin. it makes it hard to focus. ]
...Hyung... I... have to be honest with you. I—... [ ivan's eyes dart this way and that, but they do finally settle on till, and ivan meets his gaze. it's not exactly admitting he's been attracted to till for a while, but it's close. ] ...I... um. It's embarrassing to admit, but... I don't know how far we can go before I won't want to stop. We're in your dressing room— [ ivan takes the hand till's lifted to hold his hair back into his own, thumb gently pressed into his palm, as if asking for forgiveness. ] I don't want your reputation to be ruined because of me...
[ ivan's guilty gaze drifts back down to till's mouth. he's saying all this but, god, he really wants to kiss till some more. ]
we do what we can
he blinks somewhat dopishly at Ivan when he pulls back, sufficiently and satisfactorily dazed. he doesn't seem annoyed, or let down.
the buttery soft velvet of Ivan's lovely voice is so quiet in its tenure that it makes Till want to push him over, crawl on top of him and just kiss him until they start losing clothes. even the sound of that tenor is intimate.]
Ah—haha, [Till laughs, smiling softly.] Yeah, you're right... I don't want to damage yours either, and I'm the same way...
I should take responsibility—I started this...
[he tilts his head, eyes softening as he brushes some of Ivan's hair from his face.]
Sorry for being so irresponsible. Seems we were cast a little too well.
[two mlm who happen to have chemistry?? not that Ivan and Till did as fictional characters, but Till's of the opinion they could have if in a different life. some of the spinoff shoots they've done kind of imply it, anyway.]
😔👏
ivan stares at till, open-mouthed and flushed, eyebrows raised. he blinks, hard, shaking his head as if trying to clear his mind of whatever his imagination is attempting to conjure up.
till's comment about their casting invokes a soft, amused chuckle from ivan, but his smile slowly fades into something more subdued. ]
Don't be sorry. I've... thought about this... a lot... [ ivan leans into till's hand, comfortable and affectionate, even if he is struggling a bit with not paying attention to the fact he's gotten hard, and how embarrassing what he's saying is— but it's true. ] If anything, I'm the irresponsible one. [ ivan closes his eyes, too guilty to meet till's gaze. despite being the one to suggest stopping, ivan hasn't let go. ] The sound you made... I don't know how I'm going to get it out of my head.
[ it was quiet, but it was enough. ]
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Yeah, [is his answer. and to hear that Ivan's thought about it a lot catches Till's attention—confirms that they're in more trouble than he thought. which is both great and. uh. troubling. but whatever, they're already here. Till watches as Ivan leans into his touch, finding it too sweet and too tempting...]
No... as your senior and mentor, the professional thing to do is to ignore that kind of desire. Maybe it's hard because I was sensing some kind of tension, even if I didn't realize it... but that's no excuse.
[his ears sting pink with his comment about the sound he'd made—Till hadn't even realized he'd made any kind of sound. he curls his fingers into the front of Ivan's shirt, pulling him in again.
then don't, is what Till wants to say—instead, he finds himself pressing another (chaste) kiss against Ivan's lips.]
Might be we can still make this good for your work, though...
[ugh. that sounds like a sleep with your senior for networking kind of proposition, which isn't what he's getting at. he clarifies, still close,]
You're probably going to get other jobs that require kiss scenes, here or there... if this IP really takes off. The final cut ended up being so good, it might be something you're kinda known for, [he jokes.]
I can bring in some old copies I have, or something.
[so they can have something to blame—if anything, to maybe keep themselves from going off the rails.]
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ivan's misunderstanding colors his interpretation of the rest of what till says. thankfully, till pulls him in for a kiss, though it's much less heated than their previous ones. till's ears are a little pink... but now he's suggesting they do this for... work? practice for future roles? help. golden retriever brain confused.
trying to remedy the situation best he can— or what he assumes is the situation— ivan's hands come up to grab till's shoulders. he leans in, desperate to clearly get his point across. his face is flushed, mouth open. a single, strangled sound leaves ivan's throat before he boldly declares: ]
I—...I'm not interested in doing this just because you're my senior!
[ he doesn't want till to think he's only into him because of what he does for work!!! ]